On Loneliness

I read a quote earlier this morning that said, more or less, that loneliness is the result of nobody caring. It really got me thinking about whether or not a person's loneliness can be reduced to such a simplistic idea: I'm lonely because nobody cares. There's something in this statement that smacks of self-pity (I am somewhat of an expert at the whole "I'm pathetic" song and dance, so it really struck a cord), but it only hints at the underlying truth: Sometimes we are lonely because we choose to be lonely.

Sometimes our loneliness is not a condition resulting from nobody caring but instead, by our choice to reject that care because it is not being given by somebody-- a rather specific somebody. I'm not ignorant of the fact that there really are people out there in this world, without a soul to care whether they are warm and dry, whether they live or die. But this...this is not about those people. This is about people like...me. Maybe like you too. People who have some choices when it comes to how lonely we're going to be. Or not be.

We have people that are interested in us, that want to pay attention to us and be paid attention to by us. They want to be a part of our village. They care. But the truth is, we don't care so, none of that really changes anything, and it doesn't ease that longing sense of loneliness, because none of those people who care are the one person or the people that we want to care. Poor, poor us. And I even get the sense that some of us wear the loneliness willingly, maybe even proudly sometimes, maybe like it somehow makes us different or special (look at me! I'm sooooo lonely, lonelier than you even!), when in reality, loneliness is a fashion standard that has been around since the Garden of Eden, since fig leaves. Why do we as human beings, behave this way? Why do we refuse to try on something that will look and feel better on us? Fear? Stubbornness? Habit? Maybe we simply like having something, some struggle, to complain about, and loneliness is as good a struggle as any I suppose. I struggle to understand these ridiculous complexities of the human condition. Sometimes being a person is hard. (Cue violin music.) These thoughts chase circles 'round my little old mind sometimes, and frequently invite insomnia.

So, there we are: alone on the outskirts of the village, ignoring the invitations to the wildebeest roasts, and other such communal events. (Sounds fun, but no thanks. I think tonight I'll just stay home and do a little solitary existential angsting, a little crying into my pillow, and then maybe cap that off with a little solo rain dance.) Or maybe, instead of a village, it's a vast ocean of possibilities, but we lonely, unreachable souls, continue to bob along by ourselves, on a sea full of people who are just waiting to offer life-preservers that may as well be sink-weights. And those people, no matter how wonderful, worthy, attractive, amazing (and more than we deserve really) they are, we just shut them out and shut them off. I can picture them there in my mind, left scratching their heads, a big, useless, round, white floatation device dangling in their collective hand. Humans are the most confusing part of humanity. We should come with a handbook.

On Marriage Equality

I believe in equality. For all. Not just for those who look, think, and believe like me.

I believe in justice, fairness, and mercy. These are principles I've been taught since childhood and have tried to apply in my own life, albeit not to the degree or measure of accuracy that I would ultimately strive for, but I'll keep working on it.

I believe in the right to worship, or to NOT worship, and that either way, you deserve your right to pursue happiness. I'm still going to believe what I believe either way, right? And so will you. And it need not make us enemies or pit us against each other. I can practice just fine without you practicing along.

I believe in love. The kind we call Charity, which is the pure love of Christ. And I believe in it even on days when I'm not sure that I believe on Christ. I believe in the romantic kind too. The kind that makes you have butterflies in your tummy, and pine for sneaky kisses from that someone special, and makes you miss them terribly when you've been apart too long, and worry about them when they are sick or in need, and cheer them on when they need cheering. I believe everybody should feel that. For real. There is a song that means a lot to me, and it says that "...the perfect way to live life is to love." And I believe that too.

I believe in marriage. Marriage isn't easy. Ask Clint Eastwood, Idina Menzel, Michael Douglas, Demi Moore, Brad Pitt...all heterosexuals who ultimately, ended up in a divorce. Even I have been married and divorced, and because I am white and heterosexual, not a single person stood in my way in any of it. Maybe none of us did a good job, or took it seriously enough, or stayed the course, but nobody told us no. Nobody told Elizabeth Taylor no. Marriage is commitment for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. Because life is rough, ladies and gentleman. It's damned rough. Getting through the trials of life with someone else by your side may not necessarily make it easier, but it can, and it definitely can make it better. Much better. Sometimes your marriage makes it, sometimes it doesn't. And so it goes.

I believe I have no right to tell you that you have get through this life alone, simply because I don't like your choice in life companion. Because it confuses me or I think it's "icky", or even because it goes against what I believe my God wants. My God may not be, after all, your God. So. And if you decide that together, you and your companion want to traverse the bumpy trails of life under the covered wagon of marriage? I believe I have no right to tell you, as an autonomous human being, and an adult with the sentient ability to consider, choose, and consent, how your marriage should look or function, or whether or not you can participate in marriage at all.You should get the same chance to mess it all up or make it work as I have.

I believe family units come in all different configurations, and depending on the ability, effort, and interest of the parental unit or units, can and do result in well-adjusted, healthy, happy adult children. Children can always benefit from stability and nurturing. Having a two-parent, heterosexual nuclear family is not a magic ingredient for child-rearing success, and is not the only pattern for healthy parenting. Go to the experts in family psychology and statistical data, and ask them. They'll tell you. I'm all for there being more stable, loving homes and families available for children.


I believe it is a pointless, and fruitless argument to insist that marriage be treated as a religious right outside of religious organizations, or to use that argument as a basis for continuing to deny equal treatment under the U. S. Constitution. The day the U. S. Government inserted itself into the practice of marriage, by beginning the practice of regulating who could marry whom and issuing marriage licenses, was the day it was too late for that. Marriage is now a civil contract with government oversight and benefits; equal treatment under the law is what is called for. This will not mean that churches and religious institutions cannot continue to approve or deny church-sanctioned marriages within their realm-- that fundamental right will go on under the protection of religious freedom. So please, let's dispense with the continuation of money-sucking and time-wasting state legislation, and get on with the business of having integrity and honor as a people, and doing the right thing.

I believe that my marriage is still sound, and is in no way threatened by anyone else's. 1300+ couples got married here in Utah since December 20th, 2013, and nothing has changed for me or my marriage. The dirty laundry is still piling up, the house payment still got made, and if my husband or I should end up in a situation that requires serious and life-changing decisions to be made on the other's behalf, we can still count on each other being there, without government interference. Nothing different there. The only thing that has changed, if anything at all has, is that we have both had our joy multiplied by seeing our non-heterosexual friends and family finally receiving the same rights that we have taken for granted.

I believe this is a human rights issue. So let's reclaim our humanity. Our humaneness. Ask yourself how devastated you would be if the person you loved more than anything in the world, and with whom you'd built a life (state-sanctioned or not), became gravely ill or even died? Beyond imagining? Maybe you've been there? I don't know. But, think about it. Now, imagine that you had no rights or say in any of it? Seriously. Imagine it. Your person, is gravely ill. You have no say in medical treatment for them. Now, your person didn't make it. Now you're not allowed to make the funeral arrangements--you remember, the ones you know your person wanted because you talked about them on your pillows at night? Nothing. No rights. Not for you. In case you can't imagine such a thing, here are two stories I think may really help you out with that very thing:
 Marriage Equality: More than a legal issue
 It Could Happen to You

I believe the world is a much better place, when we treat each other with compassion and fairness, and when we try to conquer that which we do not understand, and as a result, also fear, with a true desire to see the other side and to act with integrity and respect. You can use any number of arguments in your attempts to justify robbing others of their civil rights, but it doesn't make it right. What of the arguments against equal rights for non-whites? For women? For those who are the least among us? Not right. They did not make any of it right. Not right. Not. Right. Separate but equal was not right, and can never be. Only equal is right. Only right is right.

I believe in choice, freedom, accountability, and equality under the law, and I will continue to advocate for it.